Intro: Politeness is one of the most ubiquitous elements in society as it is basically a social structuring device. On one hand we could say on a humanity-wide scope of social networks, “Love” is the ideal glue with which to bond one soul to another, but politeness does not connect souls so much as it creates the illusion of such a connection- it connects a shadow of the soul, which is the “ego,”. Another ideal would be “respect” which is the illusion of importance shared by people, again, dealing with the shadow of the soul, “ego”. The need to have the soul bond with other souls causes us to “look for love” often in the wrong places. The need for importance causes us to seek “Respect” as this makes us feel important, rather than seeking real importance in its more truthful form.

Theory: Politeness is a need for both respect and for love in their most superficial senses, but speaking practically I would characterize it concisely as a need for non-isolation- the nightmare of isolation is in the lack of love and lack of respect. Politeness is a “mutually assured dishonesty”, in which I avoid the truth to maintain your illusion of importance and love in order to maintain my own illusions of non-isolation. Mutually assured dishonesty works to the end of mutually assured non-isolation.

Insofar as humans are social creatures, which to some extent we certainly are, a fear engrained in our primordial survival instinct is that of being alone. God himself said, “It is not good for man to be alone,” and man has avoided loneliness ever since. However, man does not truly know the nature of his own soul. He oversights the soul amid his shallow introspections, satisfied with the substitute we know as ego, or “the self,” As in acting, any idea of a character’s “self” leads to a trite caricature, skimming the surface of the soul. The result of said oversight is a satisfaction with self-indulgence rather than “soul-indulgence,” the latter of which leads to true happiness. Politeness is mutual self-indulgence. I value the avoidance of a family fight not because it will affect love within the family, but because a slur against me will affect my ego or my feeling of the safety-net being torn down. Politeness maintains the status quo, which is tolerable if the status quo is one of togetherness, but often after a fight, the only way to affect a reconciliation is to speak frankly, truthfully and impolitely about your feelings.

Politeness is clinging to illusions as a substitute for truths, all to maintain the illusions of what we need in life. The mutual nature of this leads to an exchange of lies or “skirts around the truth” that only satisfies in the short term. Ultimately, politeness has deprived us of the truth, a deprivation for which only the stupid and deluded will stand satisfied. Still though, a degree of politeness is necessary, but a critique of politeness is necessary to have us reconsider our use and reverence for it. It is a shabby substitute for love and respect.

Example: A director is casting a show, and there will inevitably be those who are not cast. Successful auditioners will be called back, and those who did not get a part will not get a call. He figures that it is more polite to spare them the “You failed” call than to confront them with his decision. This is tempting, but it is actually his cowardice that prevents the phone call from happening. He is afraid of portraying disrespect or a lack of love to people that he would rather have as friends. He is afraid of being alone, essentially, but he has a good word for that which this fear compels: Politeness, a shield from the truth. Ultimately the truth is more useful, moral or necessary, but the selfish will withdraw the truth from others and themselves in shortsightedness, preferring to avoid the truth in deference to satisfying illusions.

As For Me: By the way, this is not about me- I got a satisfying part in Damn Yankees. As late as the call was, however, I assumed otherwise and started thinking about politeness. Hence the post on politeness.